Blog Post Number 4, a lost soul.

waking up with a heartache is not new, rather becoming a daily routine.
no i did not pay attention to your English class,  i am so not good at my sentences.
besides i speak to languages, excuse my so not good writing in the following story.


wishing has no longer a meaning or sound in my soul or mind or anything.
like a car crash against a big truck, who survived? the big truck.
i am the car, i start my day by driving myself out of my bed, i take a smooth ride...
around evening when the sun is going down, and night is filling the city.
i can't see what's in front of me, there isn't enough light, but i continue driving.
cellphone is ringing, my hand reaches the cellphone, "Oh! i drop it", by my feet, i can't reach, i steer, i almost crash...but,
i answer the call, i listen, i say "Hello", even then my voice sounded happy.
just as soon as i hear, "I won't be needing you, business is..."
i see big bright lights in front of me, i can't do anything, the big truck smashes the poor little car.
i hear myself crying but i can't tell whether i'm crying in a dream, or i'm crying on the outside.
i  wake up, i am in bed, my own bed, again. How did i get here?
i go out, my neighborhood is empty, no one around, i start the car.
i drive, can't remember the ride to the place i am now at.
i sit, i look at friends, they smile, i smile. 
my open wounds are seem to be open, but i can't seal them, just yet.
after a few laughs and a few flashbacks of this accident, i go home.
again, i am now at home, i can't even look at my own self, the mirror in front of me.
my eyes are deep with sadness, with nothing but water coming out of them.
i go to bed, and i realize i am still alive and the "so car crashed" was nothing, and i am still here.
but why, why am i still here.
i go back and forth, till i fall into a deep dark hole, where no one can save and no one can tell me nothing.
the hole is filling up with water.
i realize i am not nothing with that "dam soul, the one lost in the car crashed".
my mind is full of questions with no answers and one of them is "What do you want from me god?"
things are never easy out here, everything chokes me to death, everything breaks apart the puzzle barely building by an 18 year old trying to do things.
this is not the first or last tragedy i know would be happening in the book of life.
how to find a way to heaven when you don't belong here?
or do you?
but for what?
for who?

Blog Post Number 3, tell me something.

I can tell, you dislike me or deep inside you love me, or you hate how i think, or how i say things.
You think i say them to hurt you? out of habit? to make you feel how you feel?
You're not the only one that's ever gone crazy trying to explain to me why life ain't that difficult or why i can do the things you do, the average teen?
I would never understand how another person really thinks, 
Your thoughts are your thoughts and so are mine.
You want to keep me from thinking negative or saying things that make you "feel bad for you" things.
Here i am, god created me, created you.
Put yourself in my shoes, We are alike but yet so not like, we CAN have the same feelings, the same house, the same set of parents. 

You know, i want to tell you something...

I'm not giving up, on dreams on anything. i tell you that.

We can never be alike, or think alike. That would be insane.
I'm building a NEW me.
The new me you can't know, patience is everything i think, i'm learning that.
Whether you're here for me or not, i cannot have negativity anymore.
Tired of explaining why i feel different, can't you understand? I do not have the advantages as you.
Yeah, i walk around the streets hoping for my new day, the day i can honestly say 
"I'm free in this corrupted country".
Day by Day, father works early morning to support his son his daughter his wife, to have a better future in this country.
Is it my fault MY country is not like this one? This country is full  freedom and money yet poverty just like mines...
So you see, there's things alike, but me and you can't never think alike.
Call me harsh, Call me stupid, You would never know.
Myself and my family have gone through things that i cannot compose in one full paragraph, call life.
On the other hand, i wish i was in your shoes where i have the opportunity to go to school and have a good paying job, study hard for things in life. 
But i will, someday i will be like that.
And so there is the people who waste it, down the drain...what a shame.
Life ain't easy. I'm not easy, but i have my reasons.
Hope you understand, and tell me something, tell me something I Don't Know.

questions with no answers

i wish i knew how you feel,
your lips is all i feel.
why not create a feeling,
the feeling i must break.
i need to break away,
break away from you
break away from earth.
my heart is far from earth
far away from everyone, but you.
its you, who can't love.
its me, who wants love.
take my love,
take my everything.
share a smile,
a laugh,
a tear,
and you.
that's all i want from you,

a you.

some questions came along ...

BASICS
martial status: Single
shoe size: womens 6 or 6.5 
parents still together: yes
siblings: my one and only brother Omar
pets: just these online pet fishies?


FAVORITES
color: pink! or black
number: #29 (aww memories)
animal: ZEBRA
drinks: As in alcohol drink? Um Heineken and Water. ;)
soda: Not a Soda Drinker
book: eehh i do not have a fav. book
flower: rose 


DO YOU?
color your hair: Nope, but planning to
twirl your hair: Use to
have tattoos? Nope
have piercings? Yes, my nose and gauges?
do drugs? Noooo
drink/smoke? On occasions
like roller coasters? yes :D
wish you could live somewhere else? yeah, in a way...
want more piercings? yes, my lip :)
like cleaning? yeah, it's alright
write in cursive or print? print!
own a webcam? yes, skypiee
know how to drive? no :(
own a cellphone? yes! want my number? (lol)
ever get off the damn computer? yes, when i have to go eat ^_^


HAVE YOU EVER?
been in a fist fight? No. Never...
considered being a hooker? um no, not that i know of?
lied to someone? yes
been in love? yes
made out with JUST a friend? no
been in lust? yes, i suppose once
used someone? ummmm
been used? i think so
been cheated on? yes
kicked someone in the nuts? haha yes
stolen anything? no comment
held a gun? never


CURRENTS
current clothing: As in now, pjs ^_^ but as in i wear just basic colors and boots because it's winter. 
current mood: HAPPY ^_^
current taste: nothing 
what do you currently smell like: baby lotion
current hair: A total i just got of bed mess :(
current thing i ought to be doing: i am supposed to be cleaning this room\
last book you read: don't remember
last movie you saw: EASY A, good movie ^_^
last thing you ate: yesterday, chips (lol)
last person you talked to on the phone: Danny?
believe there is life on other planets: I don't believe
remember your first love? Yes.
still love him/her? No
Read the newspaper? More like magazines i read. ^_^

hysteric!

No Longer No Longer
What You Ask
Strange Steps 
Heels Turned Black
The cinders the cinders
They light the path
Of these strange steps
Take us back take us back


Flow sweetly hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me
Flow sweetly hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me



<3 yeah yeah yeahs

Blog Post Number 2, The heart that was once broken.

**I am numbering my blog posts to see how many i can write from here until i leave, if i leave.

I know i should of saved my other blog posts but i did not, myspace was dead so i deleted it and so went my blog too. goodbye.

Hurt, Anger, Drama, Feelings was in that blog, the guy who had destroy my so called image, in high school. The person who told me the rumor that he said, i will never know if it was made up or if it was true.

He was the guy who played the trumpet while i played the clarinet, thinking he could get me with his friend, he ended up getting with me. Crazy huh, but more crazy how i took all his lies, his so called love, the way he would say my name, the promises made, the tears cried.

It went back and forth to the same thing, not ready to be commited to one girl. the main point.

I was on cloud 9, when he would hold my hand and we would walk home.

One day, i was crazy madly in love with him, so i let go, my body, my soul, my whole tiny heart.

The pictures would reflect the happiness i had towards him. 

One day everything changed he just said it ain't working, he made me suffer so much i can still recall the day i seen it with my own eyes, he had kissed her. He had seen my face.

I know karma is playing her game, you bad karma, i love you though i think you're doing a good job.

We never talked, after make up convos and more of the supposed loving, everything ended.

I had met, the one guy who i though was going to save me from sadness.

He, was a barber, the kind of guy who girls might go crazy for. At first, i did not like him because him, he was so full of himself, but him, he taught me things i would never ever forget. 

It was fun while it lasted so they say, i've built love again, my god, i went back to goodie good things.

But one day it was good, the other day his jealousy would kill me, the kind that a girl cannot take.

I've always considered violence to be bad, especially domestic violence, a girl should never have to have to go through that, and i did.

I was mad at him for telling me things that were not true.

He struck me, my face, i felt dirty, he pushed me to the ground, he didn't feel bad.

He in fact only apologized once.

I am not perfect, and so was not him, the relationship lasted a few, it ended when i least expected.

I missed him, or the person i had met.

I miss so many things, the way kisses feel, the way i would care, and the things shared between two persons.

Loving me, i know, i always get my hopes up, and so i hear her words, my friend from high school words.

"Don't get your hopes up, you're going to end up getting hurt".

And so i just met this other person who i though would love me, and i kissed him, he said he's not that type of person. things slow or not, i do not see the chance of me and him fitting.

He said so many things and i'm sitting here thinking "You're just like everyone else".

Sometimes it's better being alone, after a while you fall back and try to love and believe there is love out there.

An empty bed, an empty heart, a lost soul, what's the best cure?

Blog Post Number 1, The weekend after christmas, everything goes back to routine.

At home, sitting, listening to Aston Martin Music by Rick Ross, drake's part relates so much to my last relationship.?
Been thinking a lot about PHOTOGRAPHY, yes i love the word and the concept of it.
Wish i had the opportunity to buy myself a "badass" camera. :)
From now on, i will record my dreams in this blog. Somehow they become true, believe me or not.
Events i dream, become reality.
This blog is going to be about shared experiences and opinions about others too.
Ok, so christmas was good, went to my cousin's house in a suburb in illinois, not saying name.
Got to the place then went to the catholic church for a christmas mass, it was nice, it got to me, that fact that the father mentioned the real meaning of christmas and the reality that all materialist things are just the outside, the true meaning of christmas is that our lord Jesus Christ is born, he didn't have the greatest car, the greastest clothes or shoes, he had the simple gift of gold and two other things i can't really remember. 
Anyways it reminded me that everytime i get to buy something it should be for the sake that i really need it, not for vanity or for following a trend. I am my own trend, i wear what i think it's nice and fits myself. 
 Not following the clothes or makeup on a magazine, going to create my own, INDIVIDUALITY is the key ;)
Going to design this blog according to things that happen in my mind, things or events i create in my mind.
I am learning from experiences so far, the days seem so far from each other, wishing the day would finally come for i can get my "social".
The other day i received the approval letter from the office down somewhere in Texas?, good relief since the night before that day i cried myself to sleep from sanity and desperation of not being the average teen. I do not have a BFF, a friend to party? anyways i guess i am something they call "Lame" , but i do not care.
 Too much in this head time to write everything!
:) More to come.